As part of the ‘May – You Write Your Novel’ #mywyn 80,000 words in 80 day writing challenge, I am re-writing and finishing a novel I started for the M&B New Voices competition way back last September.
I have re-written the opening paragraphs and my good friend Ellie Swoop is very clear about which version she likes best.
Below I give the two versions. Please comment to tell me which you like best?
Rosie watched in horror as the stain spread across her dress. The red seemed to consume the fine white wool. As the initial shock wore off she turned flashing eyes to the cause of her disfigurement.
‘Do you realise how much this dress cost?’
‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you, but you did throw the wine over yourself.’
Rosie dabbed at the puddle on her chest with her napkin, whilst juggling her empty wine glass and handbag. She glared at the man in front of her. The dabbing was having little effect. The saying “if looks could kill” came to her mind. He might only have made her jump by speaking to her, but she was furious. If she hadn’t been miles away trying to work out the relationship of the couple across the lawn from her, the accident would never have happened. She remembered the countless hours of trudging around shops it had taken to find her dress.
‘I was going to introduce myself. You must be Rosie Phillips.’
His body looked tantalising. Rosie’s mind somersaulted through different thoughts as her sapphire eyes widened. She couldn’t wait to see him naked and see him she would, she was determined. He had cyclist’s legs. They were tanned right up to the edge of his shorts. She wanted to know how far up the tan extended, to slide her fingers underneath the fabric to find out and then to caress the soft inside skin of his thighs, making him beg, plead for her fingers to go higher and higher.
Shivering in anticipation despite the heat of the afternoon, Rosie brazenly turned her attention to the triangle of flesh at the neck of his shirt. His chest was tanned too. Was he brown all over? Had some lucky girl been delighted by the sight of his unclothed torso this summer? Maybe she had slathered suntan lotion onto his back, his chest, his legs, his…
Rosie licked her lips and tried to regain some composure. She closed her eyes. He hadn’t even spoken to her, but she had singled him out as someone she wanted to spend time with even if only in her mind. Her thoughts strayed back to suntan oil, baby oil, olive oil…
‘Hello, you must be Rosie Phillips.’
She jumped, spilling red wine down the front of her pristine white dress. Muttering an oath and blushing to the roots of her blonde hair, Rosie frantically dabbed at the spreading red stain with a napkin. The object of her desire was right in front of her watching her efforts with a slight grin on his face. She couldn’t decide what was worse, having naughty fantasies about his body, swearing in front of him or appearing a clumsy idiot.
Which novel would you want to read and why did you choose that version? Thank you.